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Discovery - Confirmation - Empowerment

Alexandra on Shoroba

Originally released as, " I Hate My Sister's Spouse" by Shoroba on 8/27/2011. Transcript follows:

Shoroba: "Because relationships matter"

If you disliked your sibling’s spouse and the way they treated them, what would you do? How would you advise this viewer? This story from one of our viewers is true for many…

Brandon Hi, and welcome to Shoroba. We have an email submission today entitled: I Hate My Sister’s Spouse. “My sister and I have always been really close, until she got married to her current husband. I didn’t like him from the beginning, but I tried my best to hide it until now. Now he tries to control any move she makes. He won’t even let her go out anymore, even just to see me. I hate seeing her be so subservient to this guy, and I really miss her. Do you have any suggestions?

KP: Welcome to Shoroba, and today we’re discussing an email entitled: I Hate My Sister’s Spouse. I’m KP, and on today’s panel we have…

Giselle: Hi, I’m Giselle.

Alexandra: I’m Alexandra.

Kevin: And I would be Kevin.

KP: And she hates her sister’s spouse.

Giselle: That’s a tough one because it’s hard if you don’t like someone in your family, but you still kinda’… you gotta’ interact with them.

KP: See, and I’m not so sure about that. See, for me, I think that she’s taking on all of this stuff about her husband won’t let her do this and her husband won’t let her do that and her husband does this and that, I’m wondering if she’s even talking to her sister.

Alexandra: Yeah, I wonder about that too, because this seems like the in-law factor to me. You know, like: I’ve decided this person is not good enough for my loved one, and now it’s going to be all about that instead of really trying to get to my sister.

Kevin: We can’t make too many assumptions here. I think we have to at least assume for the moment that the sisters are at least close enough, because it’s important for her to… I mean… to come up with the question, first of all. Or to ask for advice, I think it is safe to assume that they are… at least they were really close, and that there really is an issue. This person is a controlling S.O.B., it sounds like. At least, in the sister’s opinion he is, and that she lost her sister.

KP: But that could be… That’s a very selfish thing in my opinion, too. It could be very: I lost my sister because of this other guy. It doesn’t even necessarily matter which guy it was. Yes.

Kevin: Do you guys have any siblings? Do you have any siblings that have mates that you don’t care for? Okay, I have, and I will tell you that the behaviours absolutely do change. You do lose your family member and it can be an uncomfortable, painful thing. You have to swallow your pride and swallow everything else and try and at least be cordial to that person.

Giselle: Well definitely, especially since, you know… Since her sister… I don’t know if her sister has any issues with how her husband treats her, but the easiest way to stay close to her sister is to be nice to her sister’s spouse. If she starts being mean to him, and making waves with him but her sister isn’t… He will just drive the wedge in deeper. As long as the sister is nice to him, then he will let her see her sister.

Alexandra: I think that it is natural that a marriage will sometimes make a person grow further apart from other people in their lives. That’s a natural phenomenon. So I think that I agree with you, that she’s going to have to make a concerted effort to really be the mature one here and try to go forward.

Giselle: Be nice, play nice.

KP: But also talk to her sister. I think she should really talk to her sister.

Alexandra: Yeah.

KP: Because it may not necessarily be… The sister may be very selfish rather than just saying “I don’t like that husband.” It could have been any boy, or any man, or any husband or anything that took her away.

Kevin: Being a man… I’m not like that, but being a man maybe oddly I’m more critical of the man than I am of the woman when I see them in a relationship. There are a lot of men out there who are exceptionally controlling regardless of how you treat them. They feel like women are their property, and this could be that case. If it is, you’ve got to talk to your sister. You’ve got to talk to your sister and tell her how you feel. It may not go smoothly, but you have to do it.

KP: That’s self-esteem issues with her sister, then.

Kevin: Yes, if in fact she is allowing herself to be treated that way, then it is.

Giselle: But you can’t… If you feel like your sister is married to a man who is being controlling, if you come at him like you’re trying to rescue her or that you think there’s a problem in the relationship, but that she doesn’t admit to it or she doesn’t like it or she’s afraid that he’ll know, then he will definitely do something.

Alexandra: Yes, that’s an issue if you come at it…

Kevin: The issue isn’t about her and the brother-in-law, the issue is about her and her sister.

Giselle: Well, no, there’s that issue of her interaction with her brother-in-law, and if she makes that an antagonistic interaction, then he will cut her out. If she maintains friendship, then she will be able to see her sister.

Alexandra: I think that Giselle has a really great point that maybe you should use “I messages” when communicating with either of them and say: “This is how I feel” or “I feel like I need my sister more right now” and use that kinda’ stuff.

KP: We have opinions. Giselle wants to… Giselle says "you need to be nice to the brother-in-law," you say "use some different kinds of non-verbal communication," I’m saying "talk to her," you’re saying "talk to her," you’re saying… "get to know what’s going on, be nicer to the brother. Talk to her." So, we’re all saying you need to communicate in some shape or form. So, what do you think? Please join the discussion and let us know what you think.

Tips for the Day
1.) Have a talk with your sister. Let her know what you think of him and what you see him doing to her life.
2.) You might have to let it go and let her live the life she’s chosen to live with the person she’s chosen.
3.) Try to resolve the issue of your dislike for the husband. Maybe speaking to him and getting to know him more might fix the issue and strengthen your relationship with them both.

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Copyright 1999-2015 Alexandra Chauran.